


In Which Several Alternate Universes are Explored Through the Misadventures and Escapades of Various Homestuck Characters

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: random AU prompts, triggers will be tagged in the chapter they appear in, tw blood, what even is this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-13 03:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1211593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of AU oneshots, each based around a one-line prompt. They'll feature whatever characters or pairings I feel would best suit said prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Sollux Captor Spends The Night at the House of One Dave Strider, Subsequently Discovers a Hidden Talent for SSBM, and Neglects to Appreciate the Subtleties of the Horror Subgenre

**Prompt: unexpected sleepover au (starring Dave and Sollux)**

You busy yourself around the room, watching the troll out of the corner of your eye. He finally stopped standing awkwardly in the doorway, and now he’s folded himself into the far corner of your futon. Terezi and Karkat are both pretty lean, but they have nothing on this guy. He’s not much more than harsh angles and an aura of general unpleasantness. But Karkat has told you a lot about this particular troll, and you think you’ve got a good way to break the ice. 

Captor scrambles to catch the controller that you toss in his direction.  
“You guys have Super Smash Bros? Or Troll Super Smash Bros, I guess. Or would it be Super Smash Troll Bros?”  
“You can’t just add ‘troll’ onto something and expect it to translate,” he lisps at you, sounding acutely annoyed despite his rather disarming speech impediment (who knew trolls could even _have_ lisps). Still, Captor grips the Gamecube controller with the confidence of an experienced gamer.  
“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it. I’m not going easy on you, though. Vantas told me you’re a gamer, and I think we both know that dude doesn’t give praise lightly.” 

Captor scoffs as you boot up the game. He still seems tense, perched in his corner like an animal, but the stiffness in his shoulders seems to be melting away a bit at the prospect of defending his gaming reputation. You smile a bit in satisfaction; you have a feeling you’d picked well. Of course, Karkat’s not-so-subtle hints about Captor’s interests when the latter was unceremoniously dropped off at your place earlier that afternoon may have helped a bit. 

 

“Ice Climbers.”  
“I thought you said you weren’t going to go easy on me.”  
“You just beat me with the Ice Climbers.”  
You just stare at the screen, more impressed than annoyed. You used to be able to rival Bro with your Falco, but this troll who’s never played beyond a single evening just wiped the floor with you.  
“That’s right.” Captor’s looking rather smug by now, and you don’t think your pride can take much more of this. But he’s the most relaxed he’s been since the two of you met. Captor is leaning into the back of the futon, elbow propped up on the armrest and legs curled lazily under him. The light from the screen sets his gunmetal skin with a faint crimson glow, and you realize that this guy is obviously in his element.  
Let’s see how he deals with horror. 

“Alright, alright, let’s play something else.”  
“What’s wrong, afraid of getting creamed again?”  
“Nah, I was holding back.”  
“Sure you were.”  
“Of course. Some host I would be, utterly obliterating you with my godlike SSBM skills without even giving you a chance.”  
The two of you rib back and forth a bit as you change game systems. Taking the Gamecube controller from the troll, you replace it with one for your PS4.  
“We’re playing Dead Space now. You’re cool with horror, right?”  
Captor gives you a look that pierces through both his stupid 3D glasses and your own shades. He doesn’t answer, but you’re well aware that there was no need to even ask. 

 

You glare at the troll’s unconscious form sprawled on the futon. A faint whistling can be heard as he breathes. _Dude’s out like a light_ , you think. _How do you even fall asleep to a game like this?_  
You may not be the best host there is, but you’re fairly certain that you shouldn’t just leave the troll lying there. You know from a lifetime of experience just how unforgiving that futon is on a person’s back. 

Luckily, you’ve still got a pile of various stuffed animals in the corner from the last time a troll (Tavros) visited, so you decide to transport the unconscious troll across the room. Which is far easier said than done, as it turns out.  
You try to scoop him up into an easy princess hold, but Captor is alarmingly heavy and you keep poking yourself with his bony joints. Finally you get a decent grip on the troll and stagger over to the pile. 

You drop him into it unceremoniously, ignorning his stirrings as you check the time on your phone. It’s a little past two in the morning, which really isn’t terribly late for you. You have the feeling it isn’t that late for Captor, either. The shadows under the trolls eyes betrayed his exhaustion, though, and you decide to let him sleep in as long as he wants in the morning. Maybe if he sleeps late enough, Captor will stay another night. You don’t think you’d mind that.


	2. In Which Sollux's Usual Coffee Shop is Too Crowded For His Liking, John Has a Meeting, and Dave is an Insufferable Douchebag

**Prompt: share a table at a crowded coffee shop a couple days in a row au (starring Dave and Sollux again)**

 

“So.”   
“So.” You almost wince at your lisp, mentally berating yourself for letting it slip out again. The man sharing your table stares impassively at you, taking a drink from some unholy concoction that must’ve cost at least seven dollars.   
You’d apparently made it clear enough that you weren’t interested in conversation, because he finally shut up long enough for you to return to your coffee. Even on a good day you’d be rather opposed to having some greasy dude wearing sunglasses indoors at eight in the morning sharing your table, but today was a particularly unpleasant day, and a crowded coffee shop wasn’t helping any.   
“Something bugging you?” You couldn’t even tell if he was looking at you, but there was no one else he could be talking to.  
“No.”   
“So then ‘uncooperative fuck’ is just your default setting? It’s called a conversation, you should try it some time.” 

Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR, and you really want to punch this guy right now. 

You’re relieved beyond belief when some dweebish-looking kid bounces over and, apologizing to you both, I’m so sorry Dave, I didn’t think it would be so crowded, you could’ve just gone home, I hope he didn’t make you uncomfortable mister, I like your glasses, I really hope they make the meeting somewhere else tomorrow, whisks the man across from you away.   
By now the coffee shop has begun to empty out once again. There seemed to have been some kind of group nearby of similarly dweebish people, and you assume that the man in the sunglasses had been with them. For a moment, you almost care what they were doing, but it’s all you can muster right now to hope that they don’t come back. 

 

Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR, and this is SUCH BULLSHIT. 

“Guess we’re sharing a table again.” He sets his cup on the table and drops heavily into the seat. His shirt is an off-white color that makes you want to take a shower just looking at it, and when he sticks his hand out you shrink back.   
“Since it’s our second date I should probably introduce myself. Dave Strider, at your service.”   
You try to glare at him, but you can’t see his eyes through his sunglasses and glaring at his shades isn’t as satisfying, so instead you take another drink and avert your gaze to his hand. He hasn’t moved yet, his hand extended towards you. Waiting.   
Finally, after a good thirty seconds, Strider withdraws his invitation.   
“Wow, leaving a guy hanging. You really are in a pissy mood, huh? That’s fine, I guess. I can be quite the bitch before my first cup of joe too.”   
You scoff.   
“You call that coffee? I can smell the caramel from here.”   
“There’s nothing wrong with a fancy coffee every now and again.” He leans back, hanging his arm over the back of the chair lazily. Everything about him is lazy.   
“Except this is the second day a row you’ve gotten that shit.”  
“I didn’t realize you were paying attention to what kind of coffee I got. I’m flattered, 3D.”   
He smirks, and you blink in surprise. You hadn’t meant it like that. And… did he just call you 3D? What kind of a shitty nickname is that? 

Suddenly he’s leaning forward, tipping his sunglasses down just a bit. You lean back in response, pulling your drink towards you almost defensively. Not that this guy’s intimidating you at all, of course.   
“Now’s about the time you offer to buy me something stronger. You know, show me what real coffee’s like. I’m a delicate flower, though, so don’t order anything too dark.”   
Without waiting for you to respond, the man waves at the waitress across the room. A change had come over him, you can see it. He’s not lazy anymore. No, he still has that slouched look, but you can see a tense frame underneath. There’s confidence in his movements, giving the illusion of power.   
“You’re quite the arrogant shitsponge, aren’t you?”   
“I prefer self-assured gentleman, actually.”   
“A gentleman doesn’t order himself something on someone else’s tab. Or wear a shirt that looks like its been soaking in piss for three weeks.”   
“Ouch. Cool your shit, dude, it’s just a prop shirt. I’m an actor, it’s part of my wardrobe. I promise I’m attractive, just give me a chance.” 

An actor, huh? You hadn’t been expecting that one. You’re not even sure that you believe it. But that would explain the group of comparatively well-dressed people with cameras that Strider seems to follow around. His friend also looked like a decent enough person, the type that wouldn’t normally hang out with an unshaven creep like this guy.   
“No way in hell,” you tell him, as the waitress arrives. 

Somehow, you end up paying for his drink after all, as well as his first one. Luckily, with the overtime work you’ve been putting in you can afford it pretty easily.   
You’re not as surprised, though, when you arrive at the shop the next morning to find Strider sitting at your table once again. For some reason, you’re also not terribly upset, either.


	3. In Which Vriska is Anxious, Terezi is Late, and Everyone Involved Ignores Basically All Rules Regarding Internet Safety

**Prompt: met through online rpg au (starring Vriska and Terezi)**

You tap out a rhythmic eight-beat pattern with your fingers against the counter as you watch the door from your secluded table in the corner. You’re a good twenty minutes early, which in itself is out of the ordinary. But you’re feeling rather thrown off anyways, so you decide to take advantage of your early arrival to prepare yourself. 

The two of you met on a roleplaying site a few months ago and hit off remarkably well. And by that you mean you spotted her as a stickler for the rules and went out of your way to antagonize her at every chance. This lead to a few one-on-one roleplays and more frequent conversation between the two of you. It was all business at first, though, and you were surprised the first time she pestered you for non-roleplaying reasons. 

**|PESTERLOG|  
\-- gallowsCallibrator  [GC] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 4:42 --**

GC: H3Y   
GC: 4G   
GC: M1NDF4NG  
GC: YOU TH3R3?  
AG: Oh my gooooooood you’re so imp8tient!   
AG: I’ll reply l8r tonight, I’ve 8een 8usy today.   
GC: 1 4CTU4LLY W4SN’T GO1NG TO 4SK 4BOUT TH4T  
AG: Then what do you want????????   
GC: TH3R3S NO N33D TO B3 RUD3 >:[   
GC: TH1S 1S 4 SOC14L C4LL   
AG: A what?   
GC: 4 SOC14L C4LL   
GC: YOU KNOW  
GC: TH4T TH1NG YOU DO W1TH P3OPL3 YOU DON’T COMPL3T3LY H4T3   
AG: So you only mildly hate me, then?   
GC: PR3CIS3LY >:]   
GC: 1’M BOR3D 4ND YOU’R3 3NT3RT41N1NG   
AG: Was that supposed to 8e a compliment or something?   
AG: 8ecause it wasn’t.   
GC: H3H3H3   
AG: You remember how I said I was 8usy?   
AG: That hasn’t stopped 8eing a thing.   
GC: YOU’R3 NOT GO1NG TO JUST 4B4NDON M3 L1K3 TH1S, 4R3 YOU?  
GC: TH1S 1S 4N OL1V3 BR4NCH OF FR13NDSH1P 1 4M 3XT3ND1NG 1N YOUR G3N3R4L D1R3CT1ON  
AG: Where’d you learn that? How To Make Friends For Dummies?   
GC: NO   
GC: YAHOO 4NSW3RS   
AG: Oh my g8d. 

**\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] blocked gallowsCallibrator [GC] at 5:01 --**

And thus ended your legendary first non-RP conversation. 

The door swings open, and you glance up with a start. You hadn’t realized how absorbed in your thoughts you’d become, and you look around the bar quickly. You’ve only seen shitty webcam photos, but you’re quite certain that you would be able to recognize her even among the crowd.  
It looks like she still hasn’t arrived, and it’s ten minutes to six. Your foot starts tapping along with your fingers, and you force your hand to go still. 

You’d unblocked her later that evening to reply, and the two of you finally had a proper conversation. You had exchanged names when you got tired of her calling you Mindfang, though she didn’t seem to mind keeping up her character persona. In fact, for the longest time you’d been certain that she was just messing with you. There was no way someone could actually be so completely deranged. 

GC: SO VR1SK4   
GC: T3LL M3 WH4T YOU LOOK L1K3   
AG: Huuuuuuuuh?   
GC: WH4T DO YOU LOOK L1K3?   
GC: YOU LOV3 TO T4LK 4BOUT YOURS3LF, SO L4Y 1T ON M3   
GC: WH4T DO P3OPL3 USU4LLY S4Y?   
GC: 4SL PLZ   
GC: 4R3 YOU BLOND3? YOU S33M L1K3 YOU WOULD B3 BLOND3  
AG: What’s that supposed to mean????????   
AG: And for your information, I’m a 8runette!   
GC: OH R34LLY?   
GC: S3ND M3 4 P1CTUR3   
AG: What? No way!   
GC: P1C 4 P1C?  
AG: Mother always told me never to send pictures of myself to creepy people on the Internet. And you definitely qualify as such!   
GC: TH4NKS FOR TH3 COMPL1M3NT >:]   
GC: BUT WH3N H4V3 YOU 3V3R FOLLOW3D H3R 1NSTRUCT1ONS? 1 ST1LL 3XP3CT MY P1CTUR3   
GC: OR WOULD YOU PR3F3R TO D3SCR1B3 YOURS3LF 1N 3XCRUC14T1NG D3T41L FOR M3?  
AG: After you made me describe Mindfang? I’d rather 8oil my tongue than go through that again!!!!!!!!  
AG: W8, why would you even need a picture? Aren't you 8lind?  
GC: TH4T 1S 4 GOOD QU3ST1ON   
GC: LUCK1LY, 1 H4V3 ROOMM4T3S WHO WOULD B3 W1LL1NG TO D3SCR1B3 YOUR LOV3LY V1S4G3 TO M3   
GC: 1N 3XCRUC14T1NG D3T41L >;]  
AG: Those poor, poor souls........

She was, in fact, that deranged, as you soon came to discover. But there was something about her that kept you interested. It was probably the fact that you never really knew what to expect from her.  
After a few months, you accidentally let the name of your hometown slip. Lo and behold, she hailed from a town less than half an hour away. So the two of you decided a week ago to meet up. Have a few drinks. Get to know eachother. 

 

You feel like you’ve been waiting forever, but when she finally opens the door it feels all too sudden. Your foot freezes mid-tap, and your fingers dig into the tabletop. You watch as she fumbles for her cane, peeling away from the small group she’d entered with and moving gently through the crowd. Holy shit, she really is blind. You’d only half-believed her when she told you.  
Taking advantage of this fact, you take a breath to ready yourself. It’s not that you’re nervous, no. There’s no reason to be nervous. You’ve known her for months. Right? 

Rising from your seat, you make your way over to where she’s seated herself at the bar. Even from the side you can see the uncertainty in her face. God, you’d seen dozens of webcam photos and shitty snapchats (for a blind girl, she really loves taking pictures), but there’s something about seeing her in the flesh that no camera could ever capture. 

Jesus christ, you really need to cut this shit out and go talk to her.


	4. In Which Senator Lemonsnout is Pranked, Terezi and Sollux Conspire at an Ungodly Hour of the Morning, and a Metal Bucket Makes a Guest Appearance

**Prompt: law school au (starring Terezi and Sollux)**

|PESTERLOG|  
\-- gallowsCallibrator [GC] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] at 2:14 --

GC: H3Y SOLLUX   
GC: SOLLUX  
GC: P4RTN3R 1N SOLV1NG CR1M3  
GC: COM3 ON SCOOB3RT 1 KNOW YOU’R3 4W4K3  
GC: TH1S 1S 4 S3R1OUS M4TT3R  
TA: what iin the ever loviing fuck do you want thii2 tiime TZ  
GC: 1 N33D YOUR H3LP SOLV1NG 4 MYST3RY  
GC: M33T M3 IN TH3 LOBBY IN T3N M1NUT3S  
TA: there ii2 no way ii am ju2t droppiing everything ii am workiing on to iindulge iin another of your stupiid e2capade2  
GC: SUR3 YOU 4R3, B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 4 GOOD FR13ND WHO H4S WORK1NG 3Y3S 4ND 4 FUNCT1ON1NG BR41N TH4T 1 N33D  
TA: iit2 two iin the morniing  
GC: YES   
GC: M4K3 SUR3 YOU’R3 W34R1NG SHO3S TH1S T1ME  
GC: 4ND P4NTS

\-- gallowsCallibrator [GC] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] –-

Terezi paced along the wall beside the door, red sneakers occasionally squealing on the linoleum floor as she pivoted on one foot. Her arms crossed behind her back, every move screamed of impatience. Senator Lemonsnout sat at attention beside the door, his weird blue eyes trained on his master as she moved across the room.  
Finally, a shuffling noise from the stairwell betrayed the arrival of her partner in solving crime. Terezi scooped up her cane from where she had rested it against the back of the couch. Bouncing on the balls of her feet, she skirted the edge of a well-worn chair and over to the well-ruffled college student.  
“Glad to know you’ve successfully located your pants!” she crowed as Sollux glared at her from behind his glasses.  
“That was one time, TZ,” he replied sharply, spitting the words out from behind his lisp. Terezi grinned in response, all sharp teeth, before springing back to the doorway. She took up Senator’s harness, tucking her cane under one arm.  
“Come on, Sollux, let’s go!”  
“Where are we even going?” the man grumbled, rubbing at the bags under his eyes as he followed his friend’s lead.

 

“Watch your step,” Terezi said, just as Sollux walked through the puddle of water in the doorway.  
“What the shit?” he exclaimed, backing out quickly. The wet carpet squished under his feet, and he suddenly understood why his friend told him to bring his shoes. “Why’s your floor all wet?”  
“That’s the mystery!” Terezi gestured vaguely towards the doorway. A metal bucket rested on the ground just inside, one that Sollux didn’t recognize. “Someone filled that with water and set a trap! The innocent Senator was doused! Drenched! It was a terrible crime, and we’re going to get to the bottom of it.”  
Sollux frowned, moving to sit on the arm of Terezi’s couch. It was in far better condition than the one in his dorm’s lobby.  
“Couldn’t it have been your roommate?” he asked, but Terezi quickly shook her head.  
“I thought of that immediately, but Vriska hasn’t been back in at least a day.”  
“Wait, VS’s been gone a whole day? Shouldn’t that, I don’t know, worry you?”  
“She’s been gone for longer. Besides, you know Vriska. She likes her privacy and all.” Terezi shrugged. “But, back to the matter at hand. I need your help in deducing the culprit and exacting justice for the poor, sweet Senator.”  
The dog’s tail thumped once, as if in agreement.

The pair sat at the kitchen table. Senator Lemonsnout, relieved of his harness, sprawled on top of Sollux’s feet as the two humans planned and conspired above him.  
“Could it have been Karkat?” Terezi leaned her chin on her hand, frowning. “No, if he had it out for me I’d know already.”  
“Yeah, he’s not the pranking type.” Sollux pulled his feet out from underneath the labrador. Senator Lemonsnout snorted in annoyance, moving to curl under Terezi’s chair.  
Suddenly, Terezi sat up sharply.  
“Wait… did you say… _pranking?_ ” Her pointed teeth flashed in a grin. Sollux knew that grin; she had found a lead. 

 

Sollux watched the dark-haired boy from his hiding place. He had no idea what Vriska saw in the kid, but if what Terezi said was true, they apparently were pretty close. Close enough to play pranks on one another, obviously.  
“I hope you know what you’re doing, TZ,” he said under his breath. The kid was coming closer. Time to strike. 

Sollux stepped out onto the sidewalk, barring the way. The kid, John, slowed, his faint smile fading.  
“Hold it, there, John Egbert,” Sollux snapped. John came to a full stop at this.  
“Hello. Um, can I help you?” John looked nervous. It took all of Sollux’s willpower not to laugh at the sight.  
“Where were you at the night of September the 12th?” Terezi’s voice rang through the empty courtyard. The setup was going perfectly.  
“W-what? Hey, Terezi, what’s up?” John smiled weakly, but Terezi was having none of it. Sollux could practically smell her gloating from where he stood.  
“Answer the question,” he snapped, and John jumped.  
“Huh? September 12th? Oh! Um, I don’t remember. Sleeping?”  
“Is that a question?” Terezi took a step closer. Senator Lemonsnout was at her side, looking remarkably less dopey than usual. In fact, Sollux could’ve sworn that he was actually snarling a bit, though it may have been the lighting.  
“N-no! What’s this about, anyways? What are you two doing?” John started to edge away from the two of you.  
“Stop right there! This is an interrogation! Sollux, grab him.” 

 

After a couple minutes of questioning, it is revealed that the prankster responsible really was none other than John Egbert. He apologized profusely, not having realized that Vriska had a roommate. Terezi also made him apologize to Senator Lemonsnout, who licked John’s hand in forgiveness. She let John off with a warning, and the boy bolted the instant that Sollux let him go. 

Good thing they’d gotten ahold of Vriska, who was videotaping the entire scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this became less of a law school AU and more of a Terezi and Sollux fucking around AU, but whatever


	5. In Which Eridan is a Doctor, Equius is Terrifying at Dodgeball, and Karkat is Employed as a Middle School Gym Teacher with Disasterous Results

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw blood and minor injury

**Prompt: middle school teachers au (starring Karkat, Eridan, and Equius)**

 

You sigh in absolute disgust, watching multicolored foam balls fly uselessly across the gym. Why you thought this would be a good idea you’ll never know.  
Another kid on your team gets pegged in the stomach, this one that scrawny ginger who likes to complain whenever he’s forced to move any faster than a walk. You’re almost glad, but that means you’re another person down from Zahhak’s team. Not that they’re actually your teams, nor that this is any sort of competition that the two of you placed bets on before class started. That would be ridiculous. Equius had outright refused to engage in such 100dicrous and infantile behavior, anyways. 

The body count makes it clear which side is winning, though, and after a couple more minutes of secondhand embarassment you just can’t stand it anymore.  
“I’m getting out there,” you snap at your co-teacher, getting up from your seat on the bleachers. “This is just humiliating.” 

Jogging out onto the field, you scoop up a ball. Both teams stop and stare at you, and you glower back.  
“What are you looking at?” you bark, making one of the seventh-graders beside you start. “Throw the damn− stupid ball already! Like this!”  
You take aim at one of Zahhak’s students, a kid too far gone in his scene phase to be worth rescuing. By some stroke of fortune, the plush red dodgeball actually hits the kid in the shoulder. You crow as he slinks off the field, and with that the air is filled with dodgeballs again. 

After a couple more minutes, things seem to be getting better for your team. You’ve lost two kids to Zahhak’s five, and you think those are pretty good odds.  
Somehow, you don’t notice the opposite team’s new addition at first. It’s not until a yellow blur whips past your ear at what must’ve been nearly supersonic speed that you realize the other gym teacher has taken his place. And he has another ball in his hand.  
Your eyes widen. “Oh shi−”

 

“Can’t SOMEbody shut those kids up? I can’t work in these conditions!”  
Equius is already on top of it, though, attempting to calm the screaming children. It’s like they think Vantas is on the brink of death. Ugh, but judging by the amount of blood everywhere you’re not sure you can blame them. How can one person’s nose bleed that much? 

“Hey, Vantas, you still with us?” you ask loudly, papping his cheek a little rougher than strictly necessary. “Come on, quit fakin’, it was just a dodgeball you blubberin’ pansy.”  
You sit the gym teacher up, stuffing a wad of tissues under his nose. He seems to be coming back around, judging by the muffled curses and the swatting of hands.  
“Language, language!” you chide him, and you receive a nice punch in the jaw for your valiant efforts. “Hey, watch it! I’m savin’ your life over here, and that’s how you reward me? You should be grateful!”  
“Grateful?! I’m perfectly fine!” 

To prove it, Karkat staggers to his feet. You grab ahold of his arm, but hold him at a distance. No need to get blood all over your clean lab coat.  
Before anything else can happen, the doors to the gym creak open. Everyone turns, and you’re a little surprised to see Principal Nitram sticking his head inside.  
“Uhh, I heard there was an accident,” he mutters, barely audible at such a distance. Another child sobs, and Equius returns to ushering them all together. Nitram actually comes fully into the gym, jogging haphazardly over to you and Karkat.  
“What happened?” he asks, staring at Karkat’s face with a mix of horror and curiosity.  
“Zahhak got me with a dodgeball,” the gym teacher rumbled nasally, his usually bellowing voice somewhat subdued as he snarls from behind the now-sodden tissues. You pull out another pack of hand tissues and hand one to him. 

The bleeding seems to have subsided, which is certainly a good thing. His nose didn’t look broken either, and he’s shown no signs of a concussion. Normally you wouldn’t be terribly worried about a concussion from a foam dodgeball, but at the hands of Equius Zahhak anything could be a deadly weapon. 

 

You follow Ampora to his office, more than a little bit humiliated. It’s not helping that the pompous ass continues to ramble possible symptoms of concussion, brain damage, skull fractures, and broken bones.  
“Oh my god, would you shut the fuck up already?” you finally snap, dropping into a chair in the nurse’s office. “I’m not that hurt, it’s just a bloody nose! Quit swishing around in that stupid coat and get me some more tissues!”  
The man complies, grumbling. “My coat’s not stupid. I’m a doctor. And tucking your shirt into gym shorts is hardly a fashion statement either.”  
You don’t have the energy to reply, and instead drop the thoroughly-saturated tissues into the trash can beside you. You’re going to have to get Zahhak back for that one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by [this](http://nevermore117.tumblr.com/post/80579013130/spidersserket-wimpytav-snark-maiden). I have no excuse whatsoever.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this one in less than an hour, so I apologize for it in its entirety.


End file.
